Month: June 2015

Birthdays and Other Crap

Today is my birthday. It’s not a big one. Just boring #36. I was thinking about what I wanted to spend my birthday doing, and I realized that the main component to every blissful scenario I came up with was a universal lack of needing to wipe someone else’s ass for the day.

Somewhere in the time/space continuum 21-year-old me just made this face.
Somewhere in the time/space continuum 21-year-old me just made this face.

As time goes on, the things you long for change so much. I’ve known this for many years, but there’s nothing quite like having a couple of kids to really drive that home for ya. 21-year-old me wanted to stay up all night partying and drinking with her friends to celebrate the occasion. 35 going on 36-year-old me mostly values solitude, peace, and pampering during this particular season of life. But let’s be honest, it still involves a drink or 3. It makes me wonder what the hell 85-year-old me is going to want to do to commemorate the occasion?

“Thanks for the cake Mr. Whiskers. I hope the vanilla frosting isn’t too spicy.”

Or, God willing, what 100-year-old me will be longing for?!

If I'm being completely candid, 100-year-old me wouldn't give a furk. Smoke 'em if ya got 'em!
If I’m being completely candid, 100-year-old me wouldn’t give a ferk. Smoke ’em if ya got ’em!

So on this birthday I choose to celebrate the season of life I currently find myself in while remembering seasons past, and anticipating seasons to come.

Back when birthdays were pure magic! Cake, ice cream, and presents! The stuff childhood dreams are made of.
Back when birthdays were pure magic! Cake, ice cream, and presents! The stuff childhood dreams are made of.
Ah, birthday #18. This wholesome moment was followed up with a trip to the tattoo parlor (Do people still say tattoo parlor?? Sounds so 1930.) for some fresh ink.  Nothing but good decisions are made when you're 18, right? :-P
Ah, birthday #18. This wholesome moment was followed up with a trip to the tattoo parlor.  (Do people still say tattoo parlor?? Seriously. I felt 80 when I typed that.) Nothing but good decisions are made when you’re 18, amiright? 😉  (P.S. Hello tan! Damnnnnn!)
The 21st birthday. Why yes, that IS a driver's license stuck to my forehead. Because, 21.
The 21st birthday. Why yes, that IS a driver’s license stuck to my forehead. Because, 21.
Birthday #29 came with an engagement ring! Hooray!
Birthday #29 came with an engagement ring! Hooray! I think every birthday should come with expensive jewelry. Wouldn’t that take some of the sting out of aging? 😉
#30 was the last birthday before kids.
#30 was the last birthday before kids. Don’t I look well rested? 30-year-old me still got to pee alone. Lucky.

Birthdays are a fun time to reflect on the past and ponder the future. Maybe it won’t seem so fun to “ponder” when birthday #40 rolls around in 4 years. (YIKES!!!) But for now, I’m not sad about getting older. The older I get the more confident I become in my own skin, and that’s not a bad feeling. Besides, I’m pretty sure I’ll be one bad-ass old lady some day. Well, at least I’ll think I’m pretty bad-ass.

This lady seems pretty cool.
This lady seems pretty cool.
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They seem like a couple of feisty gals.

How do you feel about turning a year older? Does it make you sad, mad, glad? Share your thoughts with me.

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**My “Dirty” Secret Update**

I promised that I would keep you updated on my progress with my junk room. I’m happy to report that it is back to being a guest room instead of a landfill! Hooray!

photo 1 (4)

It is by no means the perfect guest room, and I have plans in the future for this room that will probably no longer make it a guest room. BUT I can leave the door to this room open now without shame and guilt! It’s amazing ya’ll!

Much better!
Much better!

Of course, Barry the bear will be remaining in this room and keep “Grandma” & “Grandpa” company on their upcoming visit. That giant damn bear. A gift only a grandparent would give! 😛

Barry's bed
Barry’s bed

What projects are you working on right now around your house? Master closet is next on my list!

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Dora the Neglected

Here I am. Watching Dora…again. Wondering how much longer I will be forced to listen to her annoying voice and come along with her on bizarre bilingual adventures. I figure I have a minimum of a year left with Dora. My oldest is mostly over her, but my youngest still thinks she hung la luna. And while Dora is certainly not the worst offender when it comes to whiny punk ass cartoons children’s programming, she surely leaves me scratching my head from time to time.

Mi amiga Dora
Mi amiga Dora

So I decided to compile a list of the top 5 things that go through my mind when being forced to watch Dora for the millionty-thousandth time. Without further ado, here it is…

  1. First, and perhaps most importantly, where the holy hell are this chick’s parents at?! I mean, I totally applaud their commitment to not being helicopter parents. The world certainly doesn’t need another helicopter mom. But these people take free-range parenting to a whole new level. Traipsing through swamps, zip-lining through the jungle, and climbing mountains with nary an adult in sight.
  2. Why do they always get in the car with a driving squirrel? And a creepy squirrel at that. Tico always happens to be lurking nearby just in the nick of time to offer a ride to the under-supervised tot and her animal companions. Creeper. I assume he’s an adult squirrel, seeing as he drives and all. That just makes it worse.

    Tico, the creeper.
    Tico, the creeper.
  3. Dora and Boots’ relationship makes me a tad uncomfortable. They seem to cross a few human/monkey unspoken lines and it feels creepy. Enough said.

    Primate love.
    Primate love.
  4. Why is Dora staring at me?! Look away freak! Your creepy eyes are attempting to pierce my soul. Not cool, Dora. Not cool.

    Do NOT stare directly into her eyes. I think they might be some kind of portal to hell. I can't be sure though.
    Do NOT stare directly into her eyes. I think they might be some kind of portal to hell. I can’t be sure though.
  5. What the hell is wrong with Swiper? He keeps taking things, but he doesn’t keep them. He just throws them into a tree or something stupid. What’s wrong with you, dude? Why go through all the trouble of being a lifelong thief if you don’t get to enjoy in your spoils? Not only are you mean, but you’re apparently hella dumb too.

    Swiper no swiping!
    Swiper no swiping!

One day, when I’m forced to watch some hideous tween crap, I might actually miss Dora. What are some things you think about while watching your kid’s shows?

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My “Dirty” Secret

I have a secret. It is lurking behind a closed door in my house. It is contained within a room that my children aren’t even allowed to go into. It’s a room that elicits immediate embarrassment when a guest happens to stumble upon it. No, I’m not talking about some kind of a creepy S&M room.

I’m talking about my “Junk Room”.

Feast your eyes on my dirty little secret.
Feast your eyes on my dirty little secret.

The Junk Room: where all things go to die. When we moved into our home 6 years ago this room was an office. Of course, back then we were newlyweds without children and we had no idea what we were going to use 4 whole bedrooms for!!? As we welcomed our daughters into our family this room eventually became a multipurpose office/guest bedroom. And as the chaos of raising small children has unfolded, this room has evolved into a dumping ground of sorts.

It’s the room where birthday decorations, craft supplies, outgrown kid’s clothes, and business receipts end up. It’s a layover for boxes filled with Christmas decorations en route to the attic. It’s Barry the GIANT teddy bear’s bedroom (thanks Grandma and Grandpa…). There are board games we haven’t touched in at least 6 years. There are books collecting dust. Empty diaper boxes are stacked in a corner with the intention of being used to pack up and get rid of some of the stuff. The desk area hasn’t been utilized in several years because we don’t even have the desktop computer connected anymore! Basically, this room is just a mess!

Behold the pile of receipts, leftover birthday party balloons, and Barry the giant bear.
Behold the pile of receipts, leftover birthday party balloons, and Barry the giant bear.

Now, before you go getting all judgy-pants on me…I’m not a slob. No more than anyone else with a couple of small kids anyway, ha! I love having things neat and organized. I recently finished setting up a more stream-lined and organized hallway at out garage door entrance. A place for keys, a place for mail, hooks for coats and bags, and baskets for shoes. I like for everything to have a “home”. Maybe that’s why my Junk Room is such a thorn in my side. It’s where everything without a “home” ends up.

My recent garage entrance makeover.
My recent garage entrance makeover.

The Junk Room has been on my to-do list for at least 3 years. It became an issue right before my youngest daughter was born and I needed the 3rd bedroom for her, thus, 2 unoccupied rooms merged into 1. It isn’t that I never clean it out either. Twice a year I go through and donate unused clothing, toys, and household items. The problem is that stuff keeps coming into the room as fast as I can seem to get it out. And in an effort to keep the rest of my house reasonably clutter free, stuff finds it’s way in there.

So why am I exposing my dirty secret for everyone to see? Because it stops here. I need to come clean, so to speak, in order to force myself to change this. Well, that, and my in-laws are coming into town at the end of the month and they probably don’t want to sleep on a pile of crap! I will, however, keep Barry the GIANT bear in there for them. They are the ones that “blessed” us with his giant furry butt after all.

Do you think I can refer to it as an en suite if I keep this potty in here?
Do you think I can refer to it as an en suite if I keep this potty in here?
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Our beloved Barry, courtesy of my in-laws.

So now it’s your turn. Do you have a dirty secret lurking behind one of your closed doors? Perhaps a closet a-la Monica from Friends.

Monica's junky closet.
Monica’s junky closet.

Tell me about your “dirty” secret. Extra points for a picture! I’ll update my progress later in the month.

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