This week I decided to keep track of all the incredibly bizarre things that come out of my mouth when dealing with my children. You know, in the name of science and stuff. If you are a parent then you are probably keenly aware of the stupid and/or weird crap that comes out of your mouth that you simply never imagined you would be saying to another human being. As I was keeping track, I noticed a theme started to emerge. Boobs, boogers, and all things bodily functions. That’s, apparently, what my parenting nuggets of wisdom have been reduced to.
With both a 2 and a 4-year-old suffering seasonal allergies who are not expert nose-blowers, I am frequently catching them knuckle deep in a nostril. So gross. As for the boobs, well, I swear you would think they were a couple of frat boys. I’m hoping mine are not the only girls slightly obsessed with boobs. It’s a tad unsettling. And thanks to a potty training tot we are constantly finding ourselves in bathroom related conversation.
So, for your reading enjoyment, I have compiled a list of the Top 10 bizarre things I have had to say to my kids this week. Sadly, many of these were repeated several times over the course of a week…
- “Please stop punching Mommy’s boobs. They’re not toys.”
- “I’m sorry I had to throw away your picture sweetie, but you smeared boogers all over it.”
- “No, you may not squeeze my boobs, but thanks for asking first.”
- “Whose booger is this on the wall?!”
- “Please get your hand out of your butt. It’s not a pocket.”
- “Don’t you dare put that booger in your mouth!”
- “Do not toot on your sister’s head again.”
- “Please don’t go poop on the floor.”
- “What’s this puddle on the floor? Is this pee?”
- “Get your face out of my butt!”
So if you run into me and discover that I’m having considerable difficulty carrying on an intelligent conversation, just know that I’ve probably lost some valuable brain cells while spewing out ridiculous crap at my children. Because, motherhood ya’ll.