Category: Photography

A Guide to Parenting Small Children, As Told Through Pictures

It’s difficult to put into words exactly what it’s like to parent small children. So I have compiled a photographic guide to better illustrate some of the things you may expect while attempting to shape your little ones into upstanding citizens.

They will have ZERO regard for your personal space.
They will have ZERO regard for your personal space. Peeing alone is pipe-dream. Say “adios” to showers that don’t involve a tiny person staring at you through the shower glass, often crying (Them, not you. Well, maybe you…)
They will not want to wear the clothes you pick out for them. In fact, the very thought of wearing jeans may garner a reaction you previously thought was only reserved for someone being forced to wear a garment made of needles.
They will not want to wear the clothes you pick out for them. In fact, the very thought of wearing jeans may garner a reaction you previously thought was only reserved for someone being forced to wear a garment made of venomous snakes.
Speaking of clothes, they reserve the right to remove any and all clothing at any time. Sometimes that means in the backyard, sometimes in the middle of a church service...
Speaking of clothes, they reserve the right to remove any and all clothing at any time. Sometimes that means in the backyard, sometimes in the middle of a church service…
When they are done with something, OMG, they are DONE! This includes, but is not limited to walking, eating, wearing shoes, and being in the car.
When they are done with something, OMG, they are DONE! This includes, but is not limited to walking, eating, wearing shoes, and being in the car.
They will force you to do ridiculous things such as attend and officiate a pony funeral.
They will force you to do ridiculous things such as attend and officiate a pony funeral.
They will not appreciate taking in the sites as much as you do on family vacations. While we're on the topic; traveling with children is not, in fact, a vacation. It is a trip. There is a difference.
They will not appreciate taking in the sites as much as you do on family vacations. While we’re on the topic; traveling with children is not, in fact, a vacation. It is a trip. There is a difference.
You are their jungle gym and your body and all your possessions are there for their entertainment purposes only.
You are their jungle gym and your body and all your possessions are there for their entertainment purposes only.
Be prepared to receive back any and all dirty looks you my have inadvertantly shot at your child...
Be prepared to receive back any and all dirty looks you my have inadvertently shot at your child…  Also, prepare for them to remember and continually repeat back anything inappropriate you may have said in their presence.
Despite all of this, you will still love them more than you could ever imagine.
Despite all of this, you will still love them more than you could ever imagine.

Feel free to share this with anyone else who can use a good laugh. Also, share this with any smug DINK (Dual Income, No Kids) friends you may have that are considering the journey into parenthood. It’s always fun to scare the crap out of those people.

Visit Second Rate Mom’s profile on Pinterest.//assets.pinterest.com/js/pinit.js

Advertisements

A Photographic Guide to Shopping with Small Children

I remember when I was a smug childless twit and I used to judge parents and kids I saw while shopping at the store. “I am NEVER going to let my kids behave like some of those brats”, I thought as I effortlessly perused the aisles of Target. Well, never say never my friends. Here I am, many years and battles later, with those kids at the store. You know those kids. The ones that are loud, run around hiding in clothing racks, need to touch every item on the shelves, and just generally make your uterus quiver in horror with their mere noisy presence.

I have compiled some of my own personal photos to give all of my newbie and non-parent friends an idea of things you might also experience while shopping with small children.

Enjoy the stage where your child can be contained in an infant seat or cart. This blissful stage passes all too quickly. At the time you’ll probably think shopping with kids is difficult, but you ain’t seen nuthin’ yet, sister. As you can see in the picture, the main issue in this stage is that by the time you get the kids in the cart you have nowhere to put any actual items. I’m pretty sure I’ve wedged a bottle of wine into the infant carrier before because, priorities. Don’t judge.

Waving to her adoring
Waving to her adoring “fans” as we glide down the aisles. On this particular trip to Target I made it all the way to the check outs before realizing I left my wallet at home. And, yes, this was after she had opened and eaten the goldfish. Oops.

The carts with seating options for multiple children help free up some valuable cart space. But be advised that this is also not a perfect solution. The cart space is usually smaller than a standard cart, yet the size of the cart is humongous and has the turning radius of a stretched limousine. I have knocked over my share of grocery store displays (clean-up on aisle 7!) and, sadly, I have rear-ended a few people with these giant metal monstrosities. Proceed with caution.

My youngest was so pleased with herself for sitting in the
My youngest was so pleased with herself for sitting in the “big girl” seat. My oldest was less than thrilled at the prospect of having to actually sit next to her sister.

Also, there is an inherent danger in having your children so close in proximity to one another. In other words, expect fighting. There always seems to be some kind of an altercation brewing in this little car. Trouble I tell ya. Trouble.

Car carts are adorable. But be prepared for fights. Moments after this pic was taken my oldest bit my youngest.
Car carts are adorable. But be prepared for fights. Moments after this pic was taken my oldest bit my youngest. Bit her. Like a dog.

Kids have a limited window of time at the store before they lose their ever-loving minds. Budget your time accordingly. Pick up essentials at the beginning of your shopping trip. Nobody needs a meltdown before you’ve even made it to the dairy aisle.

She's just done. Totally and utterly done.
She’s just done. Totally and utterly done.

They want to touch EVERYTHING. Seriously. Just, like, anything they can get their sticky little hands on. This hazard emerges when you are no longer able to hold them hostage, err, I mean secure them in the cart. They are particularly drawn to breakable and fragile items.

You know, just checking out some stuff at Target.
You know, just checking out some stuff at Target.

They want you to buy them everything under the sun. Every toy, gadget, and gizmo they see they need to have! A detour down the toy aisle easily adds an extra 30-45 minutes to our trip. Luckily, my kids (usually) understand that I’m not going to buy them everything they want, so we have been able to avoid the whole screaming in the aisles for a toy spectacle. (And now, because I have said that, I am fully prepared for them to throw the mother of all tantrums on our next shopping trip.)

“Put the ponies in the shopping cart and nobody gets hurt. Kapeesh?”

All the world’s a stage… And I just never know when my dynamic duo is going to bust out into a song and dance routine. I swear, it’s like living in a demented Disney musical. Middle of the aisle dance party? Sure. Why not.

Dance party at the corner of hygiene and boy's clothing. Shoes optional.
Dance party at the corner of hygiene and boy’s clothing. Shoes optional.
“Mommy! We’re mannequins! Take our picture!

I hope you enjoyed my visual guide to shopping with children. It helped me realize that I might spend too much time at Target. Nah. Who am I kidding? There is no such thing as too much time at Target.

What are some of the challenges you face while shopping with your kiddos?

Visit Second Rate Mom’s profile on Pinterest.//assets.pinterest.com/js/pinit.js